Diffusing BIG Feelings with Little People
Supporting emotional connection and regulation
It’s 8:15 p.m. The house is dim, the bedtime story sits half-read on the nightstand, and your little one—usually your sweet snuggler—is now kicking the blanket off, tears streaming, voice trembling: “You never listen to me!”
You feel that familiar wave of frustration rise in your chest. It’s late. You’ve had a long day. You try to stay calm, but inside, your own feelings are starting to match your child’s—big, raw, and loud.
Every parent has been there. These moments aren’t just about bedtime or the wrong color cup or the broken crayon—they’re about emotion. For children, those big feelings aren’t small problems. They’re signals, saying: “I’m overwhelmed and I need your help.”
Understanding Big Feelings in Little People
Children’s brains are still learning how to regulate emotion. The part of the brain responsible for logic and self-control (the prefrontal cortex) doesn’t fully develop until adulthood. When kids are upset, their “thinking brain” goes offline, and their “feeling brain” takes over.
This means reasoning, lecturing, or punishing in the heat of a meltdown rarely works. What they need first is connection before correction.
The Power of Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the process of helping your child calm down by lending them your calm. Think of it like emotional training wheels—your calm nervous system helps theirs find balance again.
What it looks like:
Kneeling down to your child’s level
Softening your tone and body language
Naming what you see: “You’re so upset right now. That was really hard.”
Slowing your breathing so they can mirror it.
When a parent stays grounded, it gives the child’s body permission to come down from the emotional “high alert” state. Once they’re calm, learning and problem-solving can begin.
Validation Doesn’t Mean Agreement
Parents often worry that validating feelings reinforces “bad behavior.” In reality, validation teaches emotional literacy.
When we say, “I understand you’re sad that it’s bedtime,” we aren’t giving in to demands—we’re showing empathy and modeling healthy expression. Children who feel understood become better at understanding others.
Common Triggers for Big Feelings
Transitions (bedtime, school drop-offs, leaving playdates)
Fatigue or hunger
Sensory overload (noise, lights, crowds)
Power struggles
Changes in routine or unexpected events
When we can anticipate these moments, we can plan for success—building routines, giving choices, and allowing extra time for transitions.
Steps to Diffuse Big Feelings
1. **Pause Before You React.** Take a slow breath. Your calm is contagious.
2. **Name the Feeling.** “You look really frustrated that we have to turn off the TV.”
3. **Offer Comfort, Not Correction.** Physical closeness, soothing tone, or quiet presence.
4. **Wait for the Calm.** Don’t rush to problem-solve until they’re ready.
5. **Reflect Later.** Once the storm passes, talk gently about what happened and what might help next time.
Helping Parents Stay Grounded
Your nervous system matters just as much as your child’s. It’s okay to feel frustrated, tired, or unsure. Practice self-compassion and remember that no parent stays calm 100% of the time. Repairing after a hard moment (“I got frustrated too, but I love you and we can try again”) models accountability and connection.
When to Seek Support
If big feelings are happening daily, if transitions cause significant stress, or if your child’s emotions lead to long-lasting meltdowns, therapy can help. Play therapy and parent coaching can give families tools for co-regulation, boundary-setting, and emotional growth.
A Gentle Reminder
You’re not failing when your child has a meltdown—you’re being invited into a moment of connection. With patience, empathy, and practice, you can help your little one learn to navigate emotions with confidence and compassion.
Rooted Counseling offers child, family, and individual therapy in Folsom and Loomis.
Reach out today to learn how we can support your family’s growth and connection.
Written by Heather Peterson, LMFT